In my Darkest Hour...

     Tbh idk what is it to be written on this blog, i was just wondering maybe i could jot down something that maybe i could look up years to come (lol), just to express what's on my head these days. Honestly, i have no background or major on writing so bear with me on that xD.

(( My go-to song right now )) -- check it out :)

    September, It has been a rough month lately, rough times, rough situation. A lot of contradictions and just bad thoughts all around, starting from my grade, my relationship with her ( i won't tell you guys lol ) and my addiction that i've been trying to eliminate is going way further and i don't know if i could overcomes it and finally being free. I don't know if i could make it to other days. my anxiety and thoughts have won against me this time, my friend told me to seek for a psychiatrist or psychological help but i'm not really sure... its just keep accumulating and to top it all off, my relationship with that girl has gotten worse everyday.

    I'm struggling with my inability to stay focus and dedicated, meanwhile these college things keep haunting me. the social media that supposed to be fun isn't able to brighten my day anymore, just keep getting worse everytime i saw a friend of mine or my colleagues getting better and showing it off, they be rubbing that thing on my face, another pain pills to swallow. I envy them. pure pain in the ass.

     And i am getting pesimistic about everything, knowing that i'm not good enough for everything, i'm lost, i feel lonely in a crowded place. the World and Mother earth doenst seem to be on my side, bad situation keeps happening, seems like they were against me all these time. i was like, "why did these problems keep showing up?" , tough...

    There's a saying, "Desire is the root of all suffering", and it seems to be true. I'm drowning in my own expectations and desire, i know it is humane and normal, but there's too much om 'em that i could take. I was actually feeling pretty good, just before i realized these things, it looks like i'm putting another nail in my coffin. My "happy" standards seems skyrocketing, i don't know why, but all of my hobbies and fun activities doesn't make me smile anymore, it feels different, my hands keep sweating all of a sudden and i got a tension headache because of my own thoughts.

    Now, about that girl, it's complicated. i had a good feeling about this relationship, just right before it's crumbling apart. I still don't know why, but she is just not right here, she might be busy but i know she had enough time to at least text me, asking about me, how am I?, etc. I started to realize that it was me that generating those conversation, and she seems okay with me. We even hanging out together a few times and at one certain moment, she hugged me and cuddled with me. That's when I knew that we might be more than just friend, more than just a schoolmate. We talked a lot on phone like every night, hours and hours, it was fun. Until i realize that she won't start a conversation until i texted her, and she looks fine after a few days not communicating with me. Meanwhile me, here, dying for a text, dying for a call. All of a Sudden i felt like maybe we were not that close, maybe it was me who craving for a relationship, maybe it was me that wanted this relationship to be escalated into another level. She looks just fine, when i was waiting the whole day for a text. It sucks. But i planned to ask her and talk it out about all of these moment and her feeling. ( so girl, if u read this, i hope u understand )

    This is the time i'm starting to self-harm. I know it's bad, it's painful (ofcourse), it might be dangerous, but it's such a pain-relieving activity, i know it sounds dumb, generating a pain to eliminate another pain. But it works to me and i feel good about it. I feel there's a certain time to start abusing myself. I started to stitching myself, sewing, with just a simple needle and a bloody red thread. It is addicting and able to relieve my pain. ( Dont try it guys...) and at some point i burn myself, with my cigarette, i set the flame off with my skin. same thing, it was painful but satisfying at the same time, i don't even know how it works but it sure affects me, so i can ignore my pain, my years-long-accumulated pain. 

    Therefore, i started to went out with my friend too, i'm glad that i still have them on my side, so i could escape from all of my demon that keeps haunting, i could forget it, even for just a few hours before i start to broke-down again realizing it all. 

    I still don't know how to recover myself, people say that times will takes away the pain, i hope so, so i could finally being the real myself again, that i've been missing for years. 

PS : I dont want my parents to know this thing, i dont want to burden them anymore...

        

Sincerely, Muhammad Rashif Guntoro a.k.a mdotsheef. 

                                                                September 30th , 2021